Got into a foul mood tonight which I really could see into: something about rigidity, and masturbation, not letting myself, not letting myself experience pleasure and the "I'll never" came into it from somewhere, somehow - I'll never be able to feel good because I can't get sex, as if masturbation's not good enough - oh greed! - without trying to see if it is or not, as if I'd rather be miserable, I'd rather be right than vulnerable, as in, to take a risk to see, or find out it's not good enough so I don't have to deal with that reality, that despair: so I despair so I don't have to discover despair - so I make conceptions to keep myself safe from feelings - the traps of conceptions! But! if I do discover despair then maybe I can search for what feels good: lost, I can be found, I just have to look for it, and be willing to come to some emptiness and desolation if need be. And of course I'm afraid of feelings because I feel like I have no support in them. I've often thought hope is dangerous because it never comes to fruition (conception!), but something happens even when I don't do anything - I get a text from my friend and things change completely, love comes in, at least for a few days before I go back to my negativity, not that I'd recommend waiting for things to happen (not all the time)...but I think I despair because I don't trust myself to do anything - I know my mindset which is to wait and see what happens. I avoid, or rather, do nothing and hope something changes. I don't believe in myself. I don't want to screw up, make mistakes, or be criticized. I think I can't do it or I'm not worth doing it, or maybe, it won't work out anyway, something defeatist or simply being afraid to do the wrong thing because of an inherent sense of inadequacy (there's worth in making an attempt, as in, "well, let me see!"), anyway I forget where I was going with this but oh! negativity, I keep reverting back to it, retreating to it. Good things happen, the ball is rolling, buy maybe it's not good enough (it's never enough for me...but what can I do to make it good enough?). I want the good to be constantly flowing, so how do I make that happen, rather than stopping myself before I even get started, which is really what deprivation's all about? Depriving myself of good experiences because, I think, I'm not really worth it. My God deprivation is painful! Instead, why don't I pick up the phone and make a call, or go hangout with someone? Deprivation. I used to act out after I wrote and went to the gym, the time when I'd really want to see people, now I'm writing and going to the gym, and wanting to see people, but probably also getting triggered, so that that time is probably a good time to connect with someone, but boy it can be hard to pick up the phone sometimes, and if I don't then maybe I can act out, so part of it is me toying with my addiction, not want to let it go and do something different, wanting to stay stuck in my misery. It's very child-like, wanting to pout and whine rather than be helped, and for what, the attention? Look at me and how miserable I am...I must really be special. When I see aid doesn't come then maybe I'll outgrow that mindset, and take responsibility for myself, and simply choose feeling good because it feels good, rather than what I might get from it. Maybe then the deprivation will be at bay. It won't matter if I'm worth feeling good, it'll feel too good to worry about that.
rcscotch99
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