I recently reconnected with a woman from an old writing group. I used to have a crush on her. She reached out to me and asked me if I wanted to go get coffee and I agreed. I've avoided her in the past because I've been afraid of my feelings: afraid of obsession and losing control, but I said "yes" this time because I wanted her to know how I feel. I didn't care what others thought or what she thought...I used to worry that my feelings would make her uncomfortable. But I didn't care about any of that anymore. I liked her and I deserve to have feelings and to go after things I want.
I was very nervous. I was worried I would make a fool of myself somehow, be embarrassing. But then I noticed it was just really good to see her, and I noticed how beautiful she was, and then how sweet, and I noticed she was nervous and so I did my best not to be nervous so that she wouldn't be nervous, rather than just letting myself feel how I felt, and letting her do the same. And I noticed it felt good to catch up, and I was interested in what she was saying, and I noticed I was having fun, and that I missed her and that I missed having this in my life: love, or something like it.
Since she messaged me to hang out and probably for the last very many years of my life I've felt negative, depressed, angry, frustrated, hopeless, and I felt this way because I didn't think I deserved love in my life, and so I had none. I did what I thought others wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do. I didn't chase anything because I was afraid of what others might think. Didn't wear what I wanted, say, think, do what I wanted. I held back in conversation. In short, I lived my life for others and this made me desperate, sad, and lonely. But I don't feel that way anymore. I wanted to show her I liked her even if it was inappropriate - not the expression but the feelings (I may have gone overboard but I don't want to hide how I feel anymore) - but then this was new and scary, and I started to doubt myself. I wondered am I really worthy of this? Am I really doing this for the right reasons, or am I just lonely and looking for an outlet. The situation is complicated: she may or may not have a boyfriend and we used to be part of the same friend group...but does that mean that I should deny how I feel? The much better thing, it seems, is to acknowledge feelings, but deny action. I can be true to myself, and still do the right thing because in life, I guess, you don't always get what you want, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
The night after we hung out I had this intense dream about greed. I don't remember any action or players in the dream, only this feeling of greed, and so I think that's coloring my desire for her somehow. And I think that informs a large part of my addiction: It's difficult to get to know someone because I feel like I have to have them then and there, as if getting to know them isn't good enough, or as if there isn't anyone else...but feeling that love and excitement again felt good and I wanted more of it. Before I even know what this is or where it's going, I signed up for a matchmaking service (I haven't heard back), and I've been fantasizing about her constantly: what our kids will look like, the sex, the travel, the adventures we'll have, so that the obsession has come in. I used to think about meeting someone while I was out, but those imaginary women can't compare to her. I find it hard to be productive, or to want to pursue my other relationships, but I think this is better than repression, and being afraid. The last time we hung out I kept my head down to the ground, afraid of how my feelings might make her feel. I was miserable. I feel miserable now too but at least there's possibility, and this misery is tinged with self-worth rather than self-hatred. Love and longing do hurt (I can't wait to see her again and the time in between feels miserable and lonely) but I can deal with it. I can write, talk to a buddy, go to a meeting. What I'm experiencing is a very normal and painful part of being a human. Nobody said it wasn't going to hurt, but in that hurt I can make other connections and good can come from it. If that pain makes me seek connection with others then that pain is worthwhile, and I think this is better than not experiencing anything because I'm afraid of those feelings, and because I don't have anyone to share them with. The extent of my humanity is the extent of my support network, and the more I share what I'm going through the more I feel like I'm worthing being heard, and the more I'm supported the more I see that I have support and the more I share, so that love spirals also, not just shame, so that I can be excited about what I'm going through because I know it will bring me closer to others, it may not be the person I intended, or the way I expected but maybe that's the beauty of life, that it surprises you and challenges your notions and shows that there's good when you thought there was only bad, and joy when you thought it was just pain, so that these two things live side by side, and all the time you spent being miserable thinking love was gone it was there all along. You just forgot how to see it.
We're supposed to go out next week. I feel very confused. Confused about what I want, what she wants, what's the right thing. But I know I feel excited to see her. Doubt comes in and makes me wonder what that excitement means, but maybe things will become clearer as I go. I don't have to judge myself for things like greed, and maybe I can ask her what's going on. I just have to be willing to experience the thing I'm most afraid of, loneliness.
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