Turns out I wasn't ghosted. She messaged me three days later and apologized, said she got sick and busy. I told her sorry that happened but I felt like I got ghosted and that it hurt, and she apologized again. In the past I wouldn't have said anything and I would have grown subtly resentful over time, or I would have been passive aggressive in some way. After telling her how I felt I felt guilty, like I didn't deserve to say anything. And it felt awkward between us, for me, like I had to be the one to patch things up and let her know I forgot about it and we could move on. I felt like I had to be the one to do that, and take the lead there. I'm not interested in punishing anymore. I just want freedom. This is all a new experience for me. I've never had so much come up in my recovery, and I never knew how insecure I am. I rarely know the "right" thing to do. I'm weary of "love bombing" her because I feel insecure. For example, I really wanted to text her last night but I had messaged her the night before, and I wondered if two nights in a row was too much. And I didn't want to appear needy, even though she mentioned to me she likes to be pursued. My heart wanted to text because I wanted to make sure she knew I was interested, even though the SLAA way would probably say not to. In the end I decided not to because the messages I was coming up with to send felt love-bomby, and I've done that before, and I don't want to create the same kind of bond.
I want a relationship built on mutual trust and respect. I want to be loved for who I am, and to be able to love someone for who they are. I want to let them be themselves. I want a relationship to be something that helps me feel fulfilled and not something I need to survive. I want to be ok if it comes or it goes, but to love it deeply when it's here and be grateful for it if it leaves. I want to be secure in myself, in something bigger than myself. I want to let the relationship grow without my constant having to fuss over it. I want to trust that she'll be ok and if she needs something from me she'll tell me, and I hope I can be there for her when she does.
I'm not sure it's helpful to catalogue everything that comes up, only to notice when it does, and work through it the best I can. But I had two dreams that kind of sum up what I experience on a daily basis. One was very simple, it was just me walking around, being afraid of death. I was terrified of it, and that's all it was. The other was that my friend bought a restaurant and I went to go work at it. When I got there he had tons of people working and I was upset because he didn't need me. I wanted to be the savior of the place. Then I saw one of my old friends who I haven't seen in years and he was working there. I used to feel inadequate compared to him, but now I didn't like him. I judged everything he did and I didn't want to be near him. I think I was protecting myself from those feelings. From the pain and vulnerability of liking someone, of love. I thought we had too many people working, and that there wasn't enough art on the walls. I kept criticizing my friend and thinking how I'd do it differently. Then I took a couple's drink order. They were young and cool and I pretended like I didn't care. They couldn't hurt me. Then I went to the computer to put in the order and I didn't know where they were sitting, and got upset that someone had to help me.
See, there's so much fighting and desire for control. I can't let go and trust, and what I experience is the opposite of the bliss that Michael Singer talks about, which comes if you can stop thinking about yourself so much, start letting go of fear and desire and worry. But when I do, I keep thinking "something's not right here." I can't trust. It feels scary to let life in, but I tried yesterday with some success. Just kept relaxing into the lake of life as he says. And it seemed to work. Nothing harmed me, I wasn't hurt. Nothing happened. It even felt good. I felt a couple moments of bliss pop up when I was on my walk. But I tell you, there's still so much fear. And today there's shame and guilt. The shame and guilt block the good because the good is scary and there's uncertainty. With all things there's something else. With every triumph a new fear to encounter, it seems, a new hangup. Adyashanti says to let the bubble burst and see there's nothing to be afraid of. I've felt before that that's true. There's nothing to be afraid of, and there's nothing to hold on to. There's no such thing as control. Things are going to happen no matter how I feel about them. I can prevent, to some extent, but I think I just create so much more pain than there would be if I just let myself experience life as it came up. And life's pain is quick and it moves but the mind's pain is thick and dull and it lasts forever. I keep telling myself nothing really scary is going on. I haven't done anything wrong, I deserve to feel good. I'm an honorable and loving person. It's just my mind that creates these situations because of some fear or another. Some fear that I'm not good enough, and I'll be left behind, alone forever. Today I'll work on being gentle, letting go, and remembering I'm not alone. There's plenty of others like me. I'm not the only one who suffers.
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