Got on a dating app. Had a conversation with a woman where I probably shared too much, and she probably shared too much. We planned to talk again, I asked when, I haven't heard back. That was 30 hrs and 50 minutes ago. To be fair I sabotaged it. As soon as we started talking (she lives some hours away), I started looking for a way out. I told her what I told her, in part, hoping she wouldn't want more. And then when I told her what was going on with me, sharing my story as if I'm defective, as if it's a confession or a user warning, it felt good and I wanted more - it felt good to share - and I wanted to be her everything. Half in half out, yet there's no in between.
I wanted to date someone close by. I wanted to play the field a little, see what's out there before I'm told it's all or nothing with her child. Which I get. But she was adamant that if we get a year down the road and someone backs out...but I reserve the right to change my mind. One date is not forever. I want to see how things develop...I was interested and wanted to take it slow. But anyway that doesn't really matter. She had her own protections and her own defenses. Maybe we both prefer unavailable people. But I feel proud of myself for telling her I wanted to talk again, because I did. I didn't wait for her to make the first move. I knew what I wanted and I asserted myself.
This one date was as confusing as anything I've ever experienced. I would be interested in someone, and then the sexual cravings would come, and the confusion. Is that all I'm after? Am I still the person I once was? Then things would start to materialize and I'd be terrified. Afraid of the commitment and responsibility but loving the attention. And I would get critical too, and judgmental. I would get scared it's one woman forever. Forever. Look at all I haven't sampled, which is just a cover up for fear because, if I pay attention I notice getting to know someone felt good. And yet there was all this attention out there I wouldn't get. It's never enough. Some people might say I'm a coward, and maybe that's right. Love is like a little death. Or maybe a big one. And nothing, in my opinion, can prepare you for it. It's a bigger experience than anything I can imagine. But maybe I'm taking it too seriously.
The whole experience is still difficult to wrap my head around. I can tell you that when she didn't text back I was distraught. I only wanted something from her. Only she could soothe me. I felt isolated all over again. I got angry and frustrated when I got a text that wasn't from her, and annoyed by a call I got. "God, what do these people want from me?" I felt abandoned, worthless. Today at work was tough. I felt a lot of shame and frustration. I laid it out there and I got left behind. Fearful thoughts come up: No one will ever love me. I'm broken. Even if on some level I wanted this to happen, I didn't want it to happen like this. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.
Anger was my main emotion. I waited until today to go back to the app because I wanted to get on it to soothe and I don't want to scroll past my emotions. When I did get on the app the whole enterprise felt hopeless. I just kept talking to myself last night, as I was waiting, checking my phone every ten minutes. I imagined sending her peace and love emojis. I want to show how mature I am about the whole thing. I probably want to be a victim. We said a lot to each other, and she was very aware of what it feels like to not get responded to. She always responded quickly because of some things she'd been through. If she didn't text me for a while she apologized. So I'm surprised this happened. I didn't think she would do it. I guess it's easier, but she prided herself on communication, and we had the kind of conversation where it would be ok to give one person or the other some bad news. When we talked she told me a story about a guy who left her on "read" all night and didn't respond to a vulnerable text she'd sent till the next morning, and how mad she got, so I'm even more disappointed that she did it to me. I felt pretty cynical while I was on the app too.
I've been talking to myself. "You've got to toughen up a little bit. It's ok." I want to do what I need to do to clear this out so it doesn't linger like so many of my past experiences do, but it feels harder to be alone than it did a few days ago. At work today I kept getting bored and fantasizing, getting really judgmental and critical and fearful. It feels hard to be alone right now. I feel empty, abandoned, worthless. I talked to a program buddy about it and he's helping me through it. But I'm going through a lot of adjustments right now. This new job which has been a shock. I'm coming off my medicine (no more ketamine), starting this dating stuff. And all I want is someone or something to save me. It feels like I've lost myself somewhat and it doesn't feel good.
I got a brief respite at the gym tonight which feels nice. I was able to be in the moment and be in my body, and concentrate on the little things, and time felt like it was moving slower, and I felt clarity and relief. But I'm also judging myself if I leave my center. I noticed today and this weekend how much I rely on ego to survive and I hate it. I want to live from my heart but it feels so closed off. One thing I learned from this date is how insecure I feel and how much shame. And I realized how afraid I am that I'm still that person I was in my addiction who treated so many people so poorly, and days like today when I'm lost in fantasy don't help much. But like I said I can't judge. I can get help. And I'm not going to learn who I am by sitting in my room all day, locked away. I'm going to have to get back out there at some point and go through this stuff, but I didn't expect to encounter so many difficult feelings so fast. Maybe the best thing I can do is let them come, and keep going (but boy was that a challenge today), and maybe forgive myself for not being perfect.
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