I signed up for a dating app. To my surprise I felt relief. By signing up I was telling myself "I'm not perfect, but I'm good enough." I'm not broken. I'm not broken. Some things that have happened since I signed up: a few matches but the conversations typically die after I reply, so it's not a whirlwind like I thought it'd be. Things appear to move slowly. So far, I'm not frustrated by this. I keep telling myself it's all part of the plan.
I'm not thinking about it as obsessively as I thought I would. There's still some. There's a gravity toward it, but nothing I can't work with, and nothing like it used to be. It doesn't consume me. I notice it takes a little more will power to do the things I both need and want to do: make a call, go to a meeting. I notice myself reach for the phone when I get distracted, hoping for grace, wanting to make a woman my higher power, but I'm swiping in a more responsible way than I thought I would. I'm not just swiping for looks, and I'm paying attention to the way I feel, working with any guilt or greed that comes up. I don't expect to do it this well all the time. I'm sure I'll numb out at some point. I already have, but the addiction hasn't taken over like I thought it would. I'm not consumed by it. I'm more content being alone than I used to be.
I feel less afraid of the opposite sex than I was before I joined the app. I feel more curious, interested, excited. There's more hope, less despair; there's also more craving. There's been some shame and guilt, some confusion about whether I sent the right message, but these are feelings I have to cope with, and I have the tools to do that now. I've been to two meetings this week, will likely go to a third. I've upped my meditation, getting back into yoga (which feels amazing and I want to do it all the time), so I'm stronger and more capable than I used to be, and realizing that has given me more confidence. And it feels good to have hope and possibility that I might meet someone because I've told myself I'm worthy of meeting them. I'm going to brush up against expectations, cravings, disappointments, the desire for validation, feeling alone and empty, but that's what the program and Higher Power are for. I prayed last night to please help me with craving, I need help with it, and so far it's worked, I haven't had any. I seem to be letting go of things more easily. I'm seeing someone attractive and moving on. It feels like I've given faith back to myself somehow, maybe that comes from the outside. Maybe there's no difference between the inside and the out.
I don't want to give the impression I'm doing this perfectly. I'm not. But I'm working with these feelings the best I can. I'm working with some Michael Singer wisdom. Whatever comes up (and there's been a lot), I'm just letting it come up, and letting life clean me out as it were. And boy this morning there was a lot of shame and fear. But I just let it come up (sometimes I'm still afraid and I avoid because I don't want to have a panic attack, but still I try) and I don't dwell on it. I don't judge myself or think "gosh what a failure." I just let it be there. Sometimes there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make the craving or the anxiety go away. Sometimes there's a trick or two that helps but often there's nothing I can do about it. I have to let it be there as best I can but sometimes I can't, I fight the feelings and it's awful, and there's nothing I can do about it, but I can't run from these feelings forever. These are things I have to go through if I want to be happy and free, and I have to learn how to deal with them in a healthy way. I have to go through some pain first. I could've started this chapter a little better. I could've waited till I got a sponsor, waited a little longer till I was settled in at my new job, but this is how I do things apparently: I wait too long and then get impatient, and I want to pile on stress for more distraction, but I'm learning about that too, and learning to choose something different, and if there's anything to me that's a sure sign of progress in recovery, it's the presence of choices. So I'll be grateful for that and I'll keep coming back.
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