Supposed to start work soon, a regular 8-5. I've never done that before and I'm freaking out about it. I'm supposed to go to lunch with a woman I used to fantasize about and I'm freaking out about it. I'm fantasizing about her constantly. I'm having acting out dreams. Shame and paranoia are coming in to control. Anxiety is at its peak. I don't want to go out of control. I don't know what to do about the woman, I think about "it" constantly. It's been so long. It seems so wrong. I shouldn't do it. Afraid I can't stop myself. I probably shouldn't go but don't know how to say "no." "Sorry I can't have dinner with you. I'm a sex addict and I can't stop thinking about having sex with you so we can't hang out." Is this what dating will be like for me, or would I not be having this experience if I were dating, that is, if it didn't seem like it was off limits?
Don't know why I'm experiencing this as so bad. I think it's the control thing. It feels so wrong. If it was someone my age maybe I wouldn't be as concerned. I'd care less what people think. I'm so vain. My ex once asked why we don't go out. She said she thought I was ashamed of her. She wasn't wrong. When I fantasize about this woman it's all about ego gratification, validation. It feels evil. I feel like a monster. In it is this old angry, misogynistic porn mindset. I'm not wanting to give anything of myself, but take something. My addiction was about stealing, really. And it all took place in the dark. After hours when it was less likely I'd be seen. The most difficult hours for me are the late night ones. That's when I liked to act out. For one, there was no commitment. Nothing else I might miss out on. My ego wants this gratification so badly. And yet, I fear the shame and the suicidal ideation afterward. Is this always going to happen to me, or does it just feel inappropriate?
I think I know my answer but, I'm going to indulge myself for a minute. Does it feel wrong because it's something I want? I know how wrong it feels to feel good. Is that the essence of the prohibition? I know if I look at a woman, like a cheerleader on TV for example, I'll immediately feel dread and shame, and I'll think that's not good, and I think that's an effort to control myself, because I'll look at a man after, and somehow feel relief, like I could fuck him in the meantime and I'll be ok, I won't be out of control. I think "thank God." I'm not a bad person. Boy control is important to me. I count a lot. When I'm brushing my teeth, when I wipe my ass...Control is important to me, is that what this is about? Or is it something else? Fear of commitment or responsibility for example?
I know it doesn't really matter. The program says I should go to a meeting, call my sponsor. I don't have a sponsor. I went to a meeting and it didn't help. I was too freaked out at the time. I could go to another. I did some step work, I even masturbated, nothing makes it go away. Maybe that's the problem. I'm trying to make it go away rather than being friends with it. Maybe I need a sponsor, finally. But another part of me is saying I'm youngish, what's wrong with going out and having fun? Why take it so seriously? I think taking things seriously is the difference between being mentally healthy and unhealthy. The difference between a schizophrenic and myself is distress. One is worried about the thoughts in one's head, another isn't. I'm getting there. The problem is between my ears. Last night I did a meditation connecting to my higher self. I talked to myself about the job. I soothed myself. "It doesn't have to last forever, there are things you can do, just try it out and see if you like it." I felt better. Maybe this is similar. I don't have to freak out, it doesn't have to be life and death. Can there be some humor in it?
It's tough not to be worried about things when 1) perfectionism gnaws at every choice you make and 2) compulsivity has made it impossible for there to even be choices. When the compulsion takes over it feels like there's nothing I can do. But that was then. This is now. I have more choices now. Sometimes I still use shame to help me choose otherwise, but I do have choices, and I've done things that remind me of that. I've made calls and sent texts rather than act out. I've read literature, gone to meetings. I've been free from bottom lines for three years. I have a desire to stop living out a pattern of sexual compulsion. But I'm desperately afraid I'll go back. Last time we hung out I turned into a sad-man, flinging shame and sadness around to kill the intimacy. I don't want to do that again. I want to be healthy. I want to experience attraction, if it's there, and make healthy, informed decisions about what I want for my life, and not what I think others want for me. If there's sexual attraction there, I want to experience it, indulge in it, and if it's not, I don't want to manufacture it. In short, I don't want to live my life being afraid of myself. And maybe the road to that fearlessness is paved with healthy choices. I don't know how to make the healthy one for myself right now. I can let this go, and maybe just be friends like we've said we are (I don't know how to do that, I don't think). I can get to know who she is, and connect with her as a person. I could start sober dating, it's certainly been long enough. I could get a sponsor. That would probably be wise. In the meantime I can talk to people in the program.
Living in fear isn't going to help me get better. The longer I put off dating the worse this is going to get. I'm treating the symptoms but ignoring the diagnosis. I'm not putting myself out there and facing the fear that tells me I'm worthless. I'm waiting to be perfect, hoping to avoid pain, criticism, until I'm beyond reproach. Which is never going to happen. I read a Blake quote the other night that read something like, "if you're waiting to be perfect before you approach God it will never happen." Maybe I can think of dating and relationships the same way, that is, approaching God. Still I feel the craving deep down in my body and I'm afraid I won't be able to resist. A big part of me doesn't want to, and feels impatient. It doesn't see any other "outlet" or opportunity. It's being ruled by a tyrant, a tyrant who doesn't want my shame and worthlessness to be known. I can feel grateful for that at least. I know the more I isolate the more I'm going to need the addiction to survive. They fuel each other. But maybe this isn't the best way to go about it, and would count against one my bottom lines, "no sex outside of a committed relationship." But I grew unconcerned with that one a while ago, thinking I could handle it. Maybe I feel like I'm in control enough now to take that one back. So there you go. I at least need a little more surrender. Remember how good it feels.
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