Respect comes in again when I'm at the gym and I see these lovely bodies and I think I can keep looking and it's no problem. And that looking turns into leering turns into craving turns into paranoia and shame, and worried my membership is going to be provoked for being a creep. To be fair I was up early, in a new environment and so I'm looking for means of control. I find it, too, in bad moods, in impatience, cynicism, arrogance. It won't be long before I'm humbled again, and I remember what time's all about, and how it's not all about me. It's not all poor me, and if I'm miserable there's things I can do to affect my environment and make myself feel better.
Creeping at the gym is me not respecting myself, the disease which can take over and ruin my life. Creeping leads to staring in the mirror, intriguing, pics maybe and who knows what else. Maybe one day I just can't resist the massage parlor I happen to drive by, or wind up back on a website one idle night on the computer. Pornography still calls to me as a stress reliever, even though it's been four years since I've watched it. [I figured out I was a sex addict right at the beginning of the pandemic while I was on hiatus from work after abruptly quitting a gig that, let's say, was no longer serving me. I guess the stress decreased just enough for me to get the message.] The message keeps coming now but somedays I'm unable to resist the call of the addiction.
I'm also disrespecting, of course, the women I look at and their bodies. And I'm disrespecting myself in the process, because, if I reduce someone to an object, I reduce myself as well, and I perpetuate terrible patterns that have existed in the world for millennia and reinforce standards of appearance that generally make me miserable and life less enjoyable. And this happens about once every three or four days.
There's a cycle to it that I haven't quite figured out. The drive, if that's what it is, gets more intense and insistent with stress, and I can't figure which part of it is natural and which addictive, and I don't know whether to listen to it or ignore it, and if I've figured out how to work with it I haven't been disciplined enough to stick with it, and still believe, to some extent, that I need this release to feel good. That it's the only thing that will make me feel better. This sounds like me wanting to be in control and not wanting to try something else. It's me believing this thing will "fix" me. It's me not going to to enough meetings, probably. It's me not believing that this thing can do me real harm, that it's dangerous. It's me not being respectful of this force that is the addiction. Of others. Of myself and my body. It's me not asking for help and so on...it's me wanting to go back to old behaviors, to "excitement," forgetting the pain it caused, and wanting to run from vulnerability. I hope I don't need more pain to get this message.
On the positive side I was somewhat social today, meaning I didn't find myself holding back in conversation for fear of what people think. I did everything that was asked of me and then some. I got some tasks done for a job I'll be starting soon. I treated myself well by taking a nap, eating three meals, talking to a buddy, having a good workout, taking a long walk and writing this post. I feel that shame, paranoia and fear were the dominant features of today but so were willingness, drive, effort, kindness, generosity and responsibility. I was responsible today, and I didn't act out. If I keep this up, the rest should take care of itself.
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