Rambling rambling and just need to ramble. Last night I smoked too much, took a gamble, wound up with it all in shambles. This time I was feeling REALLY good and then shame came in. I noticed all these tricks and excursions, obsessions of the mind that I suddenly HAD to follow now that I was feeling so amazing. I HAD to find the exact right song and I had to keep searching. What I found was never quite good enough and I wasn't sizing up either because I couldn't find it. Before I smoked I thought "oh well, I'll figure it out." And then I couldn't figure it out and it depressed me, like I was losing, being defeated, and getting sad for wasting these good feelings. I wasn't good enough. Would I ever have any ever again? Would they come back or simply consider me unworthy, never to return?
I failed at feeling good and letting go yet again. I couldn't find any compassion for myself. I wanted to undo and be perfect. I prayed for a way out, and the message I got was "relax." Meaning, don't worry about what happened, just relax into what's present. But I couldn't. I wanted to undo what happened so I could be sure it would never happen again. I didn't want to admit what was going on because then I might have to deal with it, and it might happen at any time.
I didn't want the "session" to end this way. I smoked again. I felt better and I felt worse. I scared myself. This whole universe, the movements of my daily life and beyond depend on trust. It all goes by feeling, there's no real rules. I can't figure this out. I can't do it. I'm inadequate to the task. I can't love. Can't trust. I freaked myself out. How will I feel in the morning? This will pass, just let it go. But can't. My body felt unsafe again. I disassociated. I started to shiver and shake but my mind was at ease. I assumed a frequency of shame and inadequacy, wonder, that I'm used to. Then I started to see about being in relationship with everything and everyone around me - being reckless, not respecting myself, the plant, others. I saw how I often get humbled, if that's what it was. I saw that's what I needed. But I also just got scared. Being too comfortable in my body. There's a point of pleasure that's uncomfortable for me, a point where I feel like I'm losing control and it all feels wrong and shameful, like something bad is going to happen, or like it already has. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve it. Shame feels like control.
I felt very clear about what went wrong the last time this happened but now not so much. I just know that something did. What I'm taking forward is that I wasn't respectful of myself or the plant and the effect it can have on me - triggering a trauma response. I wasn't careful. I didn't set an intention. Maybe I got cocky. I was also feeling VERY good from a workout, eating well, meditation. The ketamine I'd taken was hitting harder than normal and the weed felt like it did too, and I didn't go with it, couldn't, I panicked.
Panic happens sometimes but the tricky thing is managing the wreckage. I feel unsafe in my body and I'm using shame to regulate and protect. I didn't let it affect me too much, though. That would be admitting defeat. I made the tough calls and sent the texts that I needed to. I got some other things done. I went to the gym and I drank caffeine before hand, which I don't normally do after a "high" night - go to the gym or drink caffeine, but I skipped my meeting. Anyway, I'm getting stronger. I did some step work. I'm trying not to let it affect me negatively. I went to the park to journal to try to connect to my senses. My workout was controlled with lots of mind body connection and very little staring (only a little awkwardness). And I feel confident I'll feel better tomorrow. Post psych sessions usually require a day of integration, but could I have done it differently?
The cost, first off, is a lot. I don't really want to feel like this again. And now that I see it can happen, like it did with mushrooms my first time, I'm going to be more careful about the dose. I'm going to be more respectful of myself and the plant. My body, for the most part, feels good, I'm just having a hard time feeling comfortable in it. And I'm a little worried because I have to get up earlier than ever tomorrow and spend a whole day doing paperwork. Anyway, could I have leaned on people more? Maybe. I'm still feeling the need to recover on my own, but connection with others is the behavior that makes me feel the most recovered. I'm doing good things for myself but they might amount to undoing. I'm trying. Positive cognitions I've been using lately to replace the negative ones that run constantly: "I learned/can learn from this." "I did the best I can." "I can learn whom to trust." "I am lovable." "I deserve love." "I deserve to feel good." "I'm fine as I am." I like that one. "I am adequate." "I am strong." "I am in control now," etc. I can feel my frequency rise when I tell myself these things.
What else could I have done? Could I have gone with it a little better? Maybe I can accept these panic states as part of the the process with psyches and not judge myself too harshly when it happens. I can be more careful but it will probably happen again, at some point. I'll get a little careless, I'll get caught off guard, won't be able to admit it or adjust. Maybe I'll be feeling a little more alone that day, who knows. This doesn't feel like the failure it used to though. I just feel sorry I put myself through it.
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