Great insights into my freeze response, and more insights into my fear around making choices and perfectionism, feeling free, then masturbating with fantasy, shame, and feeling back in prison again. Doesn't feel like there's much to say beyond that. Maybe this thing isn't "beaten" once and for all but worked with constantly. Good days and bad days. I'm never free of my body right? So why would I be free of this? I have to constantly take care of myself.
Standing on the walk downtown post insight and see a beautiful body and I'm ready to go again. Just one more time, I think. I can control it. Something in me, still, is never satisfied. There's something that says this isn't good enough. Need to be honest about the struggle. It's not all roses, it's not all defeat and challenges either, but I still crave excitement. Maybe that's what it is. Have I said this before? I need thrill again. But something healthy.
I go out with a friend, come home, alone, next day, I want more, more, more. I want to feel comfortable in solitude. Need to talk to myself like a child. "It's ok, you're not alone forever, things will turn around, they'll get better." Something in me is panicked and freaked out. Believes it's abandoned, and unloved - unwanted. How do I soothe that part? By just being with it? Treating myself well? Top lines. Keep giving myself love. Eventually something will change. "I know you're hurting, but perhaps this will help you feel better. We'll do something you really love."
There's no substitute for human affection. And when I'm without it it feels like a drought. I seem to be more aware of it. Early in my recovery I could go long stints without it. I was sad, then, and didn't feel like I deserved it. Now that I'm getting better, and appreciating myself more, I seem to crave it more. I feel its absence more acutely. I feel more confused and like I don't know what I'm doing. Who can I reach out to? Even a cursory look, a glimmer of possibility I eliminate, there's no one, I say.
Poor me. Wait for tomorrow when I can work and this all goes away. Wait for Monday and there's less pain. In prison until then. Or, happy with this confusion because it's not one thing or the other, still some possibility in it, somehow, some possibility to act out, or not be lonely? The excitement of Friday night, what will I do? Write and schoolwork, nothing special. Seems like a waste, plans go out the window. None good enough. It's got to be MAGNIFICENT! It's Friday night. Not just another day on earth, you understand? It's Friday night. There must be ceremonies with Bacchus, physical, emotional, spiritual release, the pressure! Not to waste. The excitement, the promise. How many weekends in my life and how many are ho hum? Do I even remember the great ones? In some ways I refuse to be a part of this system that only allows two days. You want me to celebrate? I won't, I'm petty.
Instead I'll think that anything goes. I'll go do something, get food, and pretend not to cruise. How do you spend a weekend and be content with it? Fridays and Saturdays are for the party, Sunday for recovering, and you're caught in the cycle. Maybe weekends you're just meant to be grateful. Doesn't matter what you do as long as you're not working. Those are the best weekends in my opinion. The ones where you've earned your laziness. So, exert yourself fully when you're meant to exert yourself, and rest when you're meant to rest, and don't use the weekend to play catchup cuz you'll feel resentful, trapped by the tyrant of yourself and perhaps feeling like you need a reward. Just one more, it won't hurt. Got to be something better out there for me. Something fun, something lovely, and maybe part of it is just telling myself I'm enough, and I did enough this week, because another voice is telling me I can't reach out.
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