Dostoevsky walks into a casino and plays roulette, hoping a win will solve his problems. Instead he's besieged by more. I go to the roulette table and all I see is ass. The redhead betting a hundred dollars a pop who's got yoga pants on, the dealer nearby whose panty line I can see - or maybe that's her shirt. She has large breasts too and I'm starting to get anxious. Attraction is a bad thing, it means loss of control. I need shame to help me.
Ostensibly, I'm here to play poker, and I retreat to the poker room hoping my seat is ready. I love to play cards, I tell myself. Instead, what I'm learning, is that I love the thrill. The way I play poker is no different than somebody who plays roulette: I'm just hoping to get lucky and strike it rich. The difference, I tell myself, is that I can control myself. Gambling is not a destructive act for me. I'm too afraid of losing money to risk that much of it. But I experience a similar loss of control, the inability to get up from the table. The emotional swings. Tonight I'm pissed at a cartoonish-looking old man with a horrible scowl because he's bet me out of several pots. And a business-looking man who seems to think he's better than everybody and won't fold. I'm tired, feeling impatient, and every pot belongs to me.
I take walks around the casino for a break. I look into the bar area and spy a woman's ass, and her husband catches me. Turn away and just keep walking. Maybe there's another cute woman. No, just walk. There's a beautiful woman by the blackjack table, she has a nice ass and a cute, oh, she has a big nose. Cute face is important to me. I like dark skin too. A woman is walking by the elevators and she is hot. Two men trail her, mouths agape, c'mon guys, you're looking a little rapey, but how am I any different? I wonder if I should help her, but I'm sure she'll be fine. Nobody would try anything at a casino, right?
Who do I like and what am I attracted to? I'll never find someone. This woman on the poster is hot but I don't think she's hot. What's wrong with me? I do like women right? Don't look at her, it'll just make you crazy. One more lap, or back to the table? One more and concentrate on the walk. Feel my feet on the ground. My back hurts. Remember the days when I used to win and then go spend the money on a prostitute right away. Triggers. Old behaviors and euphoric recall. Feelings that come from nowhere, putting myself in risky situations, I like the energy, maybe a woman will talk to me - it's the only time I see women, I need to get out more, take more healthy risks and then maybe I wouldn't be here thrill seeking. Maybe a woman from the bar will look at me.
Go back to the table. I can't win. Nothing ever holds up for me. Nothing ever works out for me. Just be patient, your hand will come along. I can't get anything. Get something then nothing comes. What time is it? I'll play for 45 minutes. Ok just a few more minutes. I can win it back, it just takes one hand. Keep getting nothing. These guys aren't betting, this dealer sucks. Fuck this I'm outta here.
Make it out with money. I'm proud of myself, didn't just shove it in there and try to double up. Maybe I could put all my money on red. Just get it over with, get out of here once and for all. No, don't do that. I like coming here. What else would I do? I couldn't have sat alone at home all night. Too bored, or so I thought. That woman from Boston at the table with the huge breasts. Maybe she would've fucked me. I couldn't think of anything to say to her. Couldn't get in the conversation. It was like double dutch, any entry would have been awkward and weird. Why do I like big girls? Used to act out with them. She came with someone. I could tell right away.
Get some food before I go, a customary burger. The woman there that stared at me last time, maybe she'd be good for a romp, but I can't want that, can't hurt her. But what if she wants it too? Feelings always get involved, do you want to date her, no, besides she lives far away. Sex always better when it's with someone you love, it'll never happen for me then, no one will ever love me. Just have to be patient, it will come along. Why I value sex so highly? Thrill seeking, euphoric recall. The validation (someone actually wants to sleep with me), then the shame after, what have I done? Used someone, and now can't let them get too close, see what a terrible person I am. Have to wait till I actually like someone, will I like anyone ever, can I? I think I like someone but then maybe all I want is sex? Maybe I am a terrible person. I'm ugly inside and out. You'll never be with anyone because of who you are. Maybe I should cool it. This burger is good. I need to meditate, and get to a meeting.
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