Feeling stressed and overwhelmed lately. I'm waiting to hear about a job offer and I feel like I'm waiting to be assassinated. My whole life is going to change. I'm going to have to be in an office 40 hours per week, up at the crack of dawn everyday, and I can't see how this might change me for the better, all I can see is everything I might lose in the process. I feel like I'm going to have to sacrifice my freedom, and do something I don't want to do for the rest of my life, and waste my life away. I'm afraid of wasting my life away. I know I need to make the sacrifice and it's no sacrifice at all because I need the money, but it seems like one has to sell their soul just to get by these days. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I'm getting closer to doing something I really want to do, and to getting everything I want in life, but I'm having a hard time seeing the positive.
Maybe that should be the title of this post. "Hard Time Seeing the Positive." All I can seem to focus on is the negative. How much easier would life be if I were able to do that? And is that really the distinguishing mark of "successful," that is, happy people, their ability to focus on the positive? Because the positive and the negative surely exist side-by-side, like, I went to a yoga class and was awkward and embarrassing again, but on the positive I went to a yoga class. I went to dinner with a female friend and was a jealous fool during certain portions, but I went to dinner, and I found moments to be honest and vulnerable in ways I never have before...I went to write for the first time in several days yesterday and wrote an essay that had been plaguing me and journaled, but I didn't write a novel...I slept in until noon three days in a row, but I didn't act out. So I can see that perfectionism is getting in my way here. I'm having difficulty being a beginner, and normally this would prevent me from doing anything at all. But lately it hasn't. And I can feel good about that, but the rumination and anxiety afterward has been challenging.
I'm experiencing some shame, and suicidal ideation, terrible anxiety and self loathing in the form of intense criticism which, I learned in therapy, is trying to help me. But boy does it feel awful. Maybe I can try to thank it. Maybe I can reach out and tell someone what I'm going through. I went to an ACoA meeting and I'm learning more about how I suppress my emotional needs to make other people feel more comfortable, and I'm realizing I wasn't allowed to have feelings, especially anger and sorrow, but fear and shame as well, and I know culture has something to do with that, so maybe I can have compassion for myself and what I've gone through, and the stress I'm going through now with no job, navigating a career change, and be a little more gentle, and maybe try to do a little less, or spread it out some, take it slow. If I went to the gym for the first time in years and did squats for eight hours I'm going to feel pretty sore, and pretty awful, and I'm probably not going to want to go to the gym for a while, so in short I need to be patient, and trust what I'm doing will eventually lead me to where I want to go, and give myself the time and space to let the healing process take place. But I'll tell you, giving up the idea that everything's my fault seems pretty challenging at the moment. Maybe I can keep trying one day, even one moment at a time, and possibly seek out the support I need to keep going.
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