Last night I was meditating and I kept drifting away, and I thought, "why don't I try to concentrate?" Before then it seemed like I can do it, or I can't do it, and there was no in between. It would either happen to me, or it wouldn't. I didn't think I had any control over it. It turns out I do, and I was able to concentrate on my breath for what seemed like minutes on end, and it terrified me. There was nothing between me and the Universe: no shame, fear, doubt, insecurity or negative beliefs to protect me. I was laid bare. Afterward, I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I'd broken through to some secret realm where I wasn't supposed to be, and then, as I was reading, I noticed how that script that says "I'm worthless," "I can't do anything," and "nobody's going to like me," is running all the time, and I felt the energy it carries and how distant it makes me, how it prevents everything: people, good feelings, bad from getting close - all that negative energy to protect me. And the real protection might be presence.
If I'm present I'm asserting and protecting myself. I'm speaking my mind. I'm aware of all the information and making thoughtful, informed decisions and reactions in the moment. Actions made out of love rather than fear. I was talking to someone earlier who I'm normally intimidated by, and I just kept trying to concentrate on the moment. If I'm in the moment I'm not worried about what anyone thinks about me. I can just be me, and communicate with something, myself which tells me what to do, what I want and what I need, and we had a great conversation. I've been in contact with this person for over a year, and this was the best conversation we've had. I noticed, when she started to give me advice, that there was no reason to feel intimidated, and there was no reason to dismiss them out of fear because I wasn't afraid. I listened to her and I felt like I was talking to another person, not some object I create so I can feel in control, and it felt amazing.
I also realized that those moments where I feel afraid, and alone, that's the space where Higher Power comes in, and that's been the blank space in my recovery these last 4 years, and the reason I haven't made as much progress as I'd like: I don't really have a relationship with a Higher Power. I've prayed half heartedly, said I was giving things over, but I secretly felt that anyone who did that was foolish. It's foolish to believe in God. In my mind, the only way someone could have blind faith in something, and believe the things written in the Bible, is that their IQ lay far below the average intelligence line. They must be stupid. I've also found Christians to be hypocritical, self-righteous and judgmental, except for maybe one or two (which was almost enough to change my mind about them). Anytime someone mentions Higher Power I think they're full of shit, but I've been talking with a buddy who's helped me see what reliance on God can do, and that it might be essential to who we are. I don't know what God is, but I've been praying more lately. I do the set aside prayer, and even though I don't know who or what I'm praying to, I feel more connected to something when I do it. Then afterward I feel more connected to others, I feel my mood elevate - a sense of humor, courage comes in. It feels possible to let go of control, and it even feels good. I've never had the feeling that something truly has my back, and it's been hard to believe that's possible, but I'm seeing lately that all I have to do is try, that is, be willing to see what happens, and set aside the things that I think I know, and be open to seeing, experiencing, feeling, other ways of being - be open to receive, and it feels very good.
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