Just like the title says, still learning. Just behaved in a way like I used to, looking at my naked self in the mirror, wanting to send nude photos out for validation, masturbation, the craving was so intense I almost couldn't take it. Knew I would masturbate, was looking forward to it, was just a matter of time. Tried to fend off the fantasy but was loving it, loving my isolated addict world, loving my addiction, until the shame comes afterward, which is deep and bottomless. I know what it is now and can manage it better, can I let myself feel the pain of it? I still feel myself run from it. "No, it's not me, it can't be, but it is." This is the whole of me, and I don't like what I see.
I used to do this all the time, but I would send the photos out, then the spiral would begin and perfectionism would come to save me until the addiction would take back over, trying to keep me from feeling this shame I felt. I'm trying to have more compassion for myself today. I know this is a response to how low I feel, just trying to do something to make myself feel better. I need some compassion and understanding. I felt some earlier but the fear is I'll be doing this for the rest of my life. Now I see the patterns more clearly though. I know the triggers, and when they're more likely to hit: the weekends seem to be worse, so I can plan around that. And I can not force myself to do things to try to adhere to some outside measure of success, like trying to look good by going to the gym or wanting to be a successful writer, but instead doing what feels good, at least occasionally: taking a night off to watch a movie or read a book that I like and "do nothing." Instead I try to accomplish to feel better. I don't do what feels good I do what I feel like I have to.
I'm working on steps 6 and 7 now and this week I really wanted to let go of the addiction and the negativity and be more positive, which is more in line with who I am, and I wanted to release judgment too and I did, and it felt much better, and I felt like I was making deeper connections with people and feeling more, but I felt vulnerable and unprotected and afraid, and that's what led to this backslide. Even now I'm trying to rationalize. It's ok, you can do this. I experience a little bit of validation and I want more, more, more. I don't know how to be alone. I'm alone right now, am I comfortable in solitude? Maybe not. Am I comfortable with others? Sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to be around them and sometimes I don't want to be alone, and it feels good just having someone there.
I really love the gym but I get triggered there quite often. My fantasies used to center around it. What can I do? Be more cautious. Practice the 3 second rule. But I toy with it. I feed the fantasy world for moments like this, maybe because I want to act out. I want to act out but I can't pull the trigger. I'm stuck. My fantasies center around the closest available option. I'm not taking risks and so I need validation to fuel this world. Or I start feeling better and I want validation and a reward. Maybe this is a new level, another run at the same boss. I start to let go more and the addiction comes in even stronger. Maybe I do have to be one of those of people who goes to five meetings a week. I never wanted to. I'm told I need to pray more. Praying is stupid. How could you be so vulnerable and put your trust in something? It's foolish. But this self reliance isn't working either and I need more help. I was feeling scared and alone today and I didn't reach out to anyone. I tried to do it all on my own. Maybe my conception is that the program doesn't work. It's been working. I haven't gotten deep into the old behaviors, of course I'm also just anorexic, starving myself of affection.
This is surely typical behavior of someone who starves themself like this. I'm trying to learn how to let people in, some of the affection. It's so hard. It's so sexual, submitting to someone's energy, letting it inside you, exchanging. It's easier with women. I don't let any men in. I tried today and it actually felt good. Good but wrong, like was weak for allowing it. I think that I let women in but I only pretend that I do. I'm afraid of women most of all, want men to protect me. Childhood pattern. Gotta keep going though, and return to the person I was. I may not have been all the way healthy but I was close, before I added to my trauma with addiction and poor people picking. Recently I've thought that I figured myself out. I need to let the libra out a little more, but the scorpio hates it. Not really sure how the virgo fits in. It just sits by, nervously, waiting to pick up the pieces.
And so, if I'm more aware of these pieces and how the addiction works, is that a victory? The more clearly I can see the enemy, or in this case, old friend who desperately wants to help me, tries to put the fires out, the more equipped I am to let it go, because I can see what it cost me. Would I rather be experiencing fear and loneliness, or shame right now? I think the answer is fear and loneliness. I just need to learn to deal with it better, or sooner. I need to be more patient with myself and really go slow and not wear myself out. Know how much I can handle, and be gentle. It's like working out. If you do too much in one day you're going to be too sore to do anything for another week, and maybe consistency is better than fast results, because you feel better. Today I worked out and I really wanted to be sore, I wanted to punish myself. I didn't the day before. I was more gentle. I rode the stationary bike, got on the stair stepper, I wasn't too sore today so I could workout again, but then I was worried I might get fat. I have to look perfect so people will like me, so I can get a sex partner, and now here we are. This is the kind of thing that leads to injury, shame; wanting to be perfect instead of just me, instead of feeling good. Maybe I'm on the road to that, but now I feel some shame, now the perfectionism is injured. Maybe I can find some forgiveness for myself and move on. Writing this helps.
LAST BIT: A VISION: I have a vision for myself. That I do yoga 2 or 3 times a week and take long walks, maybe with a dog. I come home and cook dinner for myself and read, or watch a game. I'm in love with myself. I don't worry about time. I don't push people away. If I want to do something I do it and I don't worry about where it might lead, how it might look, or whether it'll take away from my goals. I feel confident. I follow my intuition, my inspiration and see where it leads. I don't need to be in control all the time. If I want to take a drive or a trip, I go. If I want to go to a museum and then to lunch and then for a walk, I go. I don't put pressure on myself. There's no compulsion. There's no "or else." As in, I have to go to the gym or else, or else I'll never get a partner. I have to write or else I'll never be famous, and no one will love me. I don't worry about any of that because in this vision I Iove myself. There's nothing I have to do for that love, either, I just get it. It'll be like I'm swimming in milk and honey, peace and love all the time. I don't have to go grasping for anything because it will come to me, I'll attract it like gravity. I won't have to want the world because I'll be my own. A world where the gravity is love. I'm not there yet but I can tell I'm on my way. And there's no rush. When you're learning to love it all feels good, and there's plenty of time because it's always right there in front of you.
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