The thing I run from, the thing I'm afraid of. The thing I don't want anyone to see. Got to see it in therapy. Gotta turn and face the hurt. "What if we could find you some self acceptance?" "I'd like that." Today we faced the homophobia: this kid who feels rejected and hurt because people don't think he's good enough the way he is: they think he's too sensitive or too serious or some combination of things that doesn't quite fit how a man should act, and so, instead of being accepted for who are you're rejected and told you're not good enough. You're bullied by your friends, rejected by your dad, even your mom doesn't understand. You don't care for a while because it's none of their business. You know who you are but after a while it starts to hurt and you start to wonder. You should have left a long time ago and said something is wrong with this place and these people but instead you stayed and thought something was wrong with you.
I'm feeling a lot of hurt now, and a lot of resentment over where I grew up and the people I grew up with. I felt that boy's pain and his confusion, a deep well of sadness - if only he could have had a little help, or a little more self assurance, what would that have been like? My parents tried to pull things to figure out who I was, rather than accept me for who I am. And I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing: if they were that petty, then they could live in confusion. I would never tell them what was going on with me. But then I was fiercely loyal to friends who bullied me. I was loyal for vain reasons and because I didn't want to be alone. If I left my friends I would have had to turn to my parents and I was never going to let them get to know me.
I felt fierce rejection over the idea of being gay. If I was gay, no one would love me. So I policed myself for any signs of it. I had this thing with a friend when I was younger, I noticed men who were attractive, sexy, fear grew, I tamped it all down. I traced my confusion. In college was where the homophobia really came out. I liked women, I thought, but I don't pursue like the other kids, and why do I not care about what they care about, why do I feel so empty inside? What if I became a phonograph for a cultural and family fear? I was terrified of it. What if I'm playing a role? Anyway, I never knew it was ok to be different. I felt acceptance from some friends in college who were like me: a little more sensitive, a little more intellectual, but still we weren't quite the same, I never met anyone who was exactly like me. I didn't know it was ok to be different. Or maybe I still hadn't quite found the right crowd. I didn't know there were other people like me.
In college I felt so confused. This is the kid I saw in therapy at first. He didn't know who he was and why he felt so different and sad, and instead of getting support he tamped it all down, and after another rejection by a woman he was in love with he said screw it, and turned to drugs and alcohol. He decided to give up and go numb. But something inside him longed to know who he was. I was watching this video the other day of a psychic medium who said maybe you came here to experience deep connections with people, and that resonated with me, that's what I want, and now I can see I want to have a deep connection with myself too, and I can't have the one without the other anyway. But in spite of all the drinking and drugs I just wanted to know who I was. I always thought I was running from something when I left school but now I see I was running toward something else. I was trying to find some self acceptance and understanding.
I couldn't quite ask for help that way, I didn't know how. I was supposed to be in college and happy and free, this was supposed to be the best time of my life but I was in deep pain. I didn't know it was ok not to be ok. I wish I could have taken some time to explore and be confused and sad and figure who I am and what I want, to find some happiness or a path to it. Instead I drank and did drugs and tried to cover over. I searched. I looked for myself in others rather than inside myself, and you'll never find yourself, I don't think, unless you look deep within your own heart. I searched but I was afraid of what I would find. I was too caught up in who I thought I was supposed to be, and self medicating for the hurt I felt. And you know, I still don't think I've ever given myself permission to be hurt and confused, to not know who I am. To explore. Isn't that supposed to be a fun and cherished part of life, a rite of passage, a great adventure? Instead it seems like we're supposed to know who we are from birth. We're given a map for how things are supposed to be: the way we're supposed to look, feel, dress. What we're supposed to do and want in life, and for a lot of my friends, as far as I can tell, that map worked and led to treasure, and that's great, but that wasn't the case for me. I had to draw my own map, or maybe I need to find my own treasure.
I don't want to get into blame, I want to get into acceptance. I want to love who I am. I've always been ashamed of this homophobic part because I thought it made me a bigot, and I was afraid that fear would hurt others, but today when I saw this part I didn't see hate, I saw a scared little boy who's confused because who he is doesn't seem to be good enough, and he doesn't know why, or how, and he doesn't know what to do to change it. And instead of running from that hurt because I'm ashamed of it, and trying to cover it over with achievement or fake bravado or happiness, or manage those feelings with sex, drugs or alcohol I can turn and face that pain and see it's nothing to be afraid of, it's not some big scary monster, it's just a little boy who feels hurt, it's just me, and noticing that feels really good.
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