Got high on marijuana last night, reefers. It was great. I realized a lot has to do with the strain, and how it's grown. Weed isn't just weed, there is good weed and there is bad weed. It's possible that there's a lot of bad weed, but that's ok because I found some good weed from an organic place, about 15% THC and I mixed it with some Sour Hawaiian CBD and it was fantastic. The high was crystal clear, I felt sound and grounded in my body, relaxed. I felt like all my trauma melted away and I was fully present. I remembered that's what I get high for, to have these reminders of what love is and what it's like to not feel so much pain and rigidity in my body, most of which comes from emotional tension and fear, and maybe that's the point of these psychedelics if there is one: to have these reminders of what it's like to be free.
I had forgotten why I smoke and last night was a reminder. I didn't know I was looking until I found what I was looking for. I realized I'm experimenting with a lot of these psychedelics seeing if I can get any relief from the the CPTSD I live with, and the obsession of the addiction. I'm looking for a fix, as it were, why also realizing that I have a tendency toward escape and mental relapse, and so it feels like a fine line, and scary, but this seems to be the way I want to do it. I believe I've taken great leaps from the psychedelics I've tried, especially marijuana and mushrooms. I get a clear aim of the target, and I get to see what's me, and what's not me, meaning, I get to see how the shame and fear operate in my life and how I use them, I get to see what it might be like to live from the heart, and to be able to receive love. I can give it away no problem, but receiving it and keeping any for myself is a whole other story. I feel like I have to give it away as soon as I get it.
I felt that freedom last night and I got in my head about it. It scared me. I felt what it would be like to experience the world as equal to everyone else, or at least worth being here, and being worth my own experience. Music sounded like it was coming from a different place. It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the artist I was listening to. Whole other worlds opened up. The world of the other. It's so freeing and scary to realize that not everything is about me. It was a land of adventure, beauty, freedom, and it terrified because it's also the land of rejection and heartbreak. And I went back to my shame, and in that shame I experienced wonder, as in "how did they make this, they're so amazing, they're so much better than me." Whereas when I was in the good place I felt connected, loving, I felt like I was a part of something. There was so much beauty and understanding and forgiveness. There was room for other people to be who they are and for me to be me. I could not like something and appreciate it at the same time. I could not like one song and then like the next, and see the process of creation taking place, an artist at work and it was a lovely thing.
I wanted to stay there but I couldn't. It was too amazing. I immediately wanted to write all about. I felt like I wasn't worthy of it, this equality and beauty. But how I could I not be worthy of it if I was experiencing it? But also, how could I live that way, with all that love in my life? There was no way. There would be too much risk and hurt. I'd rather go back to the way things are, where I'm less than but I know I'm less-than and I never have to find out who I am, and maybe that I'm less than, and I always know what's going to happen and I'll never get hurt because I'm hurt already.
Living that was was too scary. I felt too vulnerable and there was no way I could do it. Even though it's a lot simpler than I make it out to be. I really don't have to think about it that much because I'm doing it all the time already. It's always happening and I'm not even aware of it. I went over to a friend's house once and I was playing with his cats. They were coming up to me and rubbing against me, letting me pet them, and they would sit nearby as I stroked them and their tails would move about, and then they would move away and go do something and that was fine, I trusted them, they weren't rejecting me. Then they would come back and I pet them again and loving them felt very good. I felt fulfilled and happy because what they were doing had nothing to do with me. It was all about them and I trusted that and I trusted in myself that I was worth receiving pets from, and as I was leaving, I thought to myself I can't believe I had this experience, I was so grateful for it, and then I heard a song in my head, I heard "that's how easy love can be," ABC by the Jackson 5, and I felt grateful for that too.
Even though I had this experience last night, and even though I know that's the way I want to live, I feel scared today. I feel like there's no way I can do it even though I'm doing it already. I've been answering texts, making plans with people, and it's all going well, but still I feel scared like something bad is about to happen. I'm in my head about it. Last night after I'd smoked I started to feel anxious because of what had happened the last couple times, and I asked myself what's going in your body right now, how does it feel? And I noticed I felt fine, I felt great actually. There was nothing going on, and sometimes that can be scary. But in the moment it felt great, and I realized that most of the problems I create are in my head. The music sounded amazing, and I felt I wasn't worthy of it. I was scared of it.
Today I've felt that fear and I feel afraid of that fear because I can get completely taken over by it, and then part of me believes I might not come back. I don't want to admit what I'm feeling because I'm afraid of my emotions. Listening to these songs last night I saw how some of these pop starts are not afraid. They feel deeply, they acknowledge their experience and they do something creative with it. They sang about things that I would classify as addiction and severe mental health problems, and yet they were fine. They didn't classify themselves as damaged or broken they just keep living. They're not afraid or ashamed of what they feel, which makes me wonder about the range of emotions we experience as humans and how I only want to stay on one side, and I call the other bad. I was jealous that they were allowed to feel these things because I'm not sure I realize, even now, that it's ok to not be ok. And if you don't let yourself experience the not ok, then how are you going to get well? For me every emotion I experience is not just an emotion but a sure sign I'm falling off the deep end, but through this program I'm learning I can get support in these darker moments and it doesn't mean I'm some kind of failure or black sheep, it means I'm human.
I won't go on too much longer but I also want to say that last night I also realized how much I lie to myself, how afraid of myself I am, and so, in short, there's a lot work to be done still and that work is learning how to be vulnerable, and the more comfortable I get with that then the more moments I can have like last night where the music brings on rapture. Part of that vulnerability is learning how to receive, and both are part of learning how to trust, so I worked on that some today. I made some plans with some people, responded to texts in an authentic way, I'm writing this, meaning, I sat and stared into the void, I went to a meeting. I need to go slow and be patient with myself but I feel motivated today, and the fantasy I was experiencing yesterday which completely had me locked up, thanks also to a program buddy who I reached out to rather than white knuckling it, feels like a distant memory today, and what comprised it just one part of the experience of joy as a human being.
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