It's been about 3 weeks since my last post. I started a new job which is taking up a lot of time and energy, and I'm still dating. My most recent experience just ended. We didn't meet but we texted and talked on FaceTime for about two weeks. It was her habit to text around the clock, saying hi in the morning, goodnight before bed, and I got quite used to it, and I thought "finally it's going to happen for me," even though I've only been looking for a month. We connected and we had a lot in common emotionally. We shared a lot of astrological placements too. She wasn't my normal type but she was easy to talk to and I felt comfortable telling her things. But we had two arguments in the first two weeks. Things soured quickly and didn't recover. I guess my last post is about the time we started talking.
We started talking not long after the last conversation I was having with another woman fell apart. In that time I didn't write much. Things started to feel a little crazy. I was thinking about her constantly, worrying about whether something I said might turn her off for good. I was worried I couldn't say "no," couldn't make space for myself by saying "hey I need a break from texting." My nervous system was shot. Things fell apart on Friday. It's Sunday now and I've just been sleeping and lying around. I don't have energy to do much and my back hurts a lot. I feel stiff and sore. I feel some craving, too, wanting that attention back. Things fell apart in an ugly way and I want to text her back and get back together. It feels like we've been together for years. I want the high drama, the codependency and the hate-sex that comes with it: that anger where you each resent each other because you know you can't survive without the other. You hate them and you need them at the same time.
I'm a little disappointed with myself too. Lots fell apart. I didn't write much, I forgot about my program, for the most part, even though I still went to meetings...in short. I lost sight of myself and I lost balance, which is exactly why I'm a relationship avoidant, because I completely lose myself. A good way to illustrate this is that one day when we were in the thick of confusion, I was on my lunch break, trying to explain myself to her, and I felt I had to text her back before she might get upset and walk away for good. I spent so much time thinking about this text and trying to get it right so I wouldn't make her mad that I ran out of time to eat. I put her needs before my own and I didn't nourish myself.
This is codependency in action for me. I also got in touch with my fears of abandonment and loneliness which are intense, and immense, it seems. I've written about it before, but I'll let others walk all over me so I won't be alone. Which doesn't make sense, because I'm alone right now. It's my conception of alone that I'm afraid of. It makes me abandon myself, not speak my mind because I just want other people around. Because I believe I'm fundamentally unlikable. These wounds are deep and daunting and there's nothing I can really do about them right now, except to keep going. This weekend I've been depressed and sad, occasionally looking on dating apps hoping to find someone just as lonely and sad as me...hoping to get my fix, still believing that will help, rather than going to a meeting...I'm isolating. Last weekend when things were going well I was out and hanging with people, now that things have fallen apart I'm at home alone. I'm wallowing in self pity. "Poor me," "it'll never happen for me again."
But it will. These things come in cycles, but I'm going to keep experiencing the same kind of thing if I believe I need a person to fix me. Carrying that belief around, I'll let anything happen to me, let someone do anything until I get what I want. There were some positives, don't get me wrong. For one, I'm aware of all this stuff. I talked a lot of it out with my therapist, came up with a plan to work through some of it, doing parts work, including some Tibetan wisdom called "feeding your demons," and I spoke my mind several times in conversation with her and stood up for myself. I stood by myself more than I ever have. I went to meetings and shared about it, eschewing how I look for simple honesty, but still this perfectionistic part wants to come in and focus on the negative and take blame for what happened, and judge myself for wanting to hookup with her...I can see all this positive stuff happening, and yet, I still want to believe that I'm no good. It's like an investment I just can't let go of.
I've been going through the app some this weekend, not wanting to take a break, feeling empty without it, denying the fact that I feel hurt by what happened, and bitter and cynical, swiping left on everyone with some nit picky judgment because I feel afraid. I don't want to start something so soon and just cover over what happened. I want to process this and then start fresh, but I feel bored without the intrigue of the app, even though writing and getting back to what I like feels good. I'm tired of spending weekends alone. I'm just rambling at this point, but each time I do this I get closer to me, to feeling secure in myself because no person is worth sacrificing myself for. That's the main lesson I learned. In one of our first conversations I noticed the way I talked about myself. My voice was filled with deep shame and criticism thinking, "there's no way you're going to love me. You're going to reject me so let's just get it over with." I want someone else to determine my worth. It's like, if you accept me, then I can accept myself, but that's backwards. No one's going to love me until I can love myself completely, and in spite of the way things ended I think I came closer to that reality. I was proud of the way I showed up. I somehow like my body more, and my thinning hair. I felt sexy and confident. I wish I could have done some things differently, but maybe I can do them next time. But, not liking myself with the hope it makes someone else like me isn't something I want to do anymore. I need to come first. I need to treat myself with love and respect so I can have the kind of life I want. And if someone else wants to be a part of that then so be it, but it's not going to be the thing that makes my life complete. Only I can do that.
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